Pre-Fall 2012: Diane von Furstenberg, J. Mendel, Moschino Cheap & Chic, Alice + Olivia, and Giorgio Armani.

Diane von Furstenberg

I think that's some kind of... digitalised houndstooth pattern? I'm not sure. What I do know is that it looked enough like houndstooth that I immediately had the stomach-turning fashion thought of, "houndstooth is so in right now". I disgust myself sometimes. It smacks of trend articles like this one, in which Lady Gaga and Kim Kardashian's houndstooth outfits are compared/forced to compete for our entertainment. First of all, Gaga's is obviously better because she went marvellously over-the-top with houndstooth accessories, stockings, makeup and piano, playfully turning the "conservative and tweedy" houndstooth image on its head, but secondly... this article exists for realzies. Oh boy. I don't like "who wore it better" gossip stories at all, since they're invariably code for "here are two attractive millionaires in similar outfits -- now, you decide which one is a flawed and hideous creature!" That's not "following fashion". That's petty and needless judgement of strangers based on their appearance.

I'd like this 100x more if the belt and sunglasses were removed, since they turn it into a fairly generic party-dress outfit. Sans belt, the combination of transluscent latex-y dress, visible stocking-tops, severe shoes and  leather gloves make for a rather interesting faux-fetish look.

 

I include this last Von Furstenberg outfit not because I find it particularly interesting, but because of the proportions. If there are any graphic designers/artists reading this, I apologise in advance for my clumsy terminology, but I really like this method of proportioning outfits with one very long section and one marginally shorter. Allow me to illustrate:

Thank you, Microsoft Paint.

This style needs to be quite minimalist and structured to work, but what it boils down to is either a long top over a dress, a short dress over a longer dress, or at a pinch, a dress in a block colour with a strip of a contrasting colour around the hem. I suspect that there's a specific term for this way of disproportionately elongating one element of the outfit/image, but whatever it is it reminds me of Charles Rennie Mackintosh designs:

Fun Scotland fact: Mackintosh knock-offs are called "mockintosh".

J. Mendel

One of those "on the bright side, I can gain ALL the weight" outfits.

Why so bizarrely bulky and unwieldy?? That top/gilet/dress/thing looks like a rug mated with the suade upholstery from the interior of someone's van circa 1976 or so. As it stands, this woman's torso is going to be very warm while her shoulders remain frostbitten, but considering the fact that she's wearing spike heels I assume that she's not planning on spending much time outdoors.

By now you may or may not have noticed that all these outfits include elbow gloves. I hesitate to even label this a "trend" because it's so easy/lazy, but it seems that elbow gloves are a thing. At least your wrists will be warm? Although if you're wearing a dress like this one, they might be the only part of you that is.

Moschino Cheap & Chic

Little did the bear know that these were her taxidermy gloves.

In my opinion the setting of this photoshoot was egregiously cutesy, what with the socks-and-shoes thing and the bright colour palette and the model animals in the background, but I do quite like the clothes in a Chuck-from-Pushing-Daisies/Zooey Deschanel kind of way. The fact that the model looks about twelve doesn't really help matters, though.

 

Alice + Olivia

The backdrop for this photoshoot appeared to be based on mediocre faux-European coffee-shop art, but on the bright side this outfit is SO Carmen Santiago NYC, am I right? (I'd wear it, anyway.)

Giorgio Armani

The masculine accessories (plain, square bag and flat shoes) are what what pushes this outfit from "nice trouser suit" straight over into the "hell, yes" category. Also helpful: the model's Janelle Monae hairstyle.

This shot makes me want a Fifth Element sequel (all that orange rubber!) with a serious-faced female secret agent in the lead role, but I guess I'll have to make do with Men In Black III.