The Hollow Crown, Part 1: Richard II.

Caveat: I am no Shakespeare scholar. I come at Shakespeare from the perspective of a pop-culture nerd, meaning that when I lived in London I was the person getting weird looks from the ushers at the Globe Theatre because I'd be all like, "No, don't give me a programme! I don't want spoilers!" Spoilers for King Lear, that is. I get why some people like to read plays before they see them, but I wouldn't read the script of The Avengers before seeing that so why should Richard II be any different? Usually this works out fine as long as I pay attention to the performance, although I did have some trouble the other week when I went to see Alan Cumming's one-man Macbeth, which was kinda hard to follow because, you know, he was playing all the roles. Fortunately I'm Scottish, and all Scottish people are forced to memorise the plot of Macbeth while being beaten with birch twigs and standing on a blasted heath at midnight as a rite of passage, which certainly comes in very useful in situations like this.

The other problem facing me when embarking upon the first installment of the BBC's Hollow Crown series was a complete lack of knowledge about the Wars of the Roses. I'm pretty sure that the Wars of the Roses are a History class staple in England, but Scottish education system tends to concentrate more on the Reformation, mostly for practical reasons because people in Scotland still get into barfights on a semi-regular basis about things that happened during the Reformation. I watched Richard II with a group of Scots and even though we had at least one History degree among us, we still weren't 100% certain whether Richard II took place in the 14th or 15th century until we wikipedia'd it afterwards. (N.B. Watching Shakespeare's English History plays in a roomful of Scots is ideal because the entire plot revolves around English people killing each other, which gives us all a schadenfreude thrill.)
As soon as Richard showed up I knew I was going to love him. I'd never seen Ben Whishaw in anything before, but I can now go on record to say that he's my new #1 casting choice for any roles that require a slimy, effeminate dweeb to Gaius Baltar his way around all the other characters while flopping onto furniture and sobbing about how misunderstood he is. A+ KINGING, BEN WHISHAW.

The first scene consists of Bolingbroke (the guy on the right) challenging James Purefoy to a duel in King Richard's court. Take a look at these two guys: you're going to be seeing a lot of those expressions over the course of this play. As far as I can tell, the main purpose of most of the non-Richard characters  is to provide entertaining "WTF, Richard?" reaction shots to whatever godawful King-decision he's has just made.

Aside from the multitude of comedy reaction shots, my favourite thing about Richard II was how Richard was so obviously styling himself as Jesus. I'll talk a bit more about his costumes later, but seriously. SERIOUSLY. That's some old-style White Jesus shit right there with the robes and the beard and the hair and what-have-you.

THIS PLAY INCLUDES A PRE-DUEL TRAINING MONTAGE WHERE JAMES PUREFOY HITS A PIG'S HEAD WITH A MACE AND HENRY BOLINGBROKE CHARGES AT STRAW DUMMIES WITH A LANCE.

Thanks to the presence of James Purefoy, this movie is KIND OF a sequel to A Knight's tale, right?

Although Bolingbroke and James Purefoy are totally geared up to joust each other to death in the name of honour, Richard loses interest at the last moment and -- I'm not kidding -- decides to stop the fight so he can go for a potty-break in his sparkly gold tent full of exotic pets and handsome manservants. Bolingbroke and James Purefoy are not pleased:

Tragically this is the last we're going to see of Purefoy, because Richard banishes them both. Bolingbroke is super upset about this, even though England is plainly a shithole where it rains 97% of the time and your King is a creepy slimeball who spends more time brushing his hair than doing any actual kinging.

AUMERLE LOOKS GOOD IN BLUE.

Richard and his courtiers hang out on a bridge in their tights, playing with flowers and talking about what an A+ idea it'll be to tax the poor in order to pay for a pointless war in Ireland. Richard is not the keenest mind of his generation, but compared to Aumerle (whose face is caressed lovingly by the camera at every opportunity) he's practically Einstein. Aumerle is the loyalest himbo courtier a dissolute and amoral King could wish for, seriously.

Next up, Richard goes to shake down Patrick Stewart, Bolingbroke's father. It's pretty clear that Patrick Stewart knows that Richard is a complete cockwaffle, but Richard doesn't give a shit because he's the King. ("Richard doesn't give a shit because he's the King" = the actualfacts synopsis of this play, I believe.) Anyway, Patrick Stewart proceeds to kick the bucket and Richard mourns for all of 14 milliseconds before seizing all his assets because girlfriend loooooooves him some gold.

This scene solidly establishes Richard as complete bag of dicks. Also, it's pretty clear from step one that the whole "war in Ireland" plan isn't going to go very well because Richard's national security council consists of a portrait artist and two courtiers. One of the courtiers goes to Wales to muster the Welsh troops, who look like this because everyone who isn't English is, of course, a savage:

To my complete lack of surprise, the portrait artist and his courtier buddy are captured by Bolingbroke, who is back in the country to retake Patrick Stewart's lands and fortune from Richard's dastardly clutches. Up until now I was kind of nonplussed as to the disappointing lack of a body count, but then this happened:

DECAPITATIONS ALL ROUND. It's almost like watching Game of Thrones! (N.B. Bolingbroke's entire rationale for decapitating those two seemed to have been "You're guilty of gaying up the King!" which, yeah, no.)

Here we come to the point where Richard's costumes really come to their own. He's obviously obsessed with the idea of styling himself as Jesus, plus the quantity of gold he wears warms the cockles of my heart. We already know that he's into the sparkles and the riches in a big way, but mostly I enjoy the fact that the costumiers have dressed him in such a way that his opulent wardrobe is really not the typical "I'm a King so I look rich" tradition of royals through the ages. Kings are meant to look rich and powerful but while Richard looks rich, he most emphatically does not look powerful. The combination of loose, Jesus-inspired robes and Ben Whishaw's slight figure make Richard look even more narrow-shouldered and soft when compared to gruff warriors like Bolingbroke in their coarse fabrics and utilitarian armour. The fabric choices alone lend something to his effeminate appearance: pale pastels, pure white, and all of it made from floaty, draped cloth that looks more like the clothes his wife wears than the tough warrior garb worn by most of the other men.

Bolingbroke and his troops come to overthrow Richard, at which point even I am making comedy reaction-shot faces at Richard because he decides to address them from the battlements while wearing all-gold armour and surrounded by cherubs and a gold halo. Amazing. Meanwhile, Aumerle is Richard's "cousin" the same way Patrocles is Achilles' "cousin" in Troy:

Regular readers probably know that I love me some armour, and I've got to fling a whole handful of gold stars at the costume people for Richard II because even Richard's armour makes him look round-shouldered and weak. Anyhow, Richard surrenders to Bolingbroke without a fight because it's pretty damn clear that Richard isn't much of a fighter.

SHAKESPEARE: He always has to include some comedy commoners to alleviate the tension. Always. I'm only bothering to mention this scene because it involved Argus Filch talking to Fleur Delacour. Harry Potter actors! If you want to make a film in Britain then you're going to have to include at least one of them or no one will take you seriously.

It's time for Richard to give up his crown to Bolingbroke, and since it seems likely that this is the last time he'll have a captive audience he milks it and milks it. Seriously, Richard spends more time talking about giving up the crown than he did trying to keep the crown in the first place. He has a lot of emotions. Also he wears an extra-special Sparkly Jesus costume made from translucent linens. It's pretty rad:

Richard's You-can-be-the-King-now speech takes so long it involves props, tears, and at least two instances of him prostrating himself on the floor. Richard II: Drama King.

This inspires some of the best "WTF, Richard?" reaction shots of the entire play:

Richard is flung into a dungeon but Aumerle remains loyal because he's the Best Boyfriend Ever. Honestly it's kind of inexplicable why he even cares so much, but the great thing is that it leads to this awesome scene with Aumerle and his parents. It's the immortal "stop trying to read my Facebook!" argument, with Aumerle's dad being all, "What's in that letter, son?" and Aumerle being like, "NOTHING!!!!" because that never sounds suspicious.

Unfortunate truth: the letter is actually part of a plot for Aumerle and some other dudes to assassinate Bolingbroke and get Richard back on the throne, so the entire Aumerle family decamps to Bolingbroke's court so Bolingbroke can a) decide whether or not to execute Aumerle for treason, and b) mediate the 14th-century equivalent of a Jerry Springer family dispute. Bolingbroke, as always, is not amused:

Deciding that the only way to prove his loyalty to the crown is to kill Richard, Aumerle goes to the cave where Richard is now languishing in  -- seriously -- a loincloth. At this point I was like, "We have four minutes until the end of the play. Can they really manage to insert more Jesus imagery before then?"

Answer: Yes.

Things I learnt from Richard II

1. People in 14th Century England were suicidally loyal to their Kings, regardless of how crazy, incompetent or unappealing those Kings actually were.
2. Richard II was really sparkly. Like, Edward Cullen sparkly. 
3. Aumerle looks good in blue.
4. Henry Bolingbroke Doesn't Like Dick. 

Next: Henry IV Part 1, starring Tom Hiddleston and Jeremy Irons.