Unordered List

Friday, 8 June 2012

A Beginner's Guide to Resort Season: Marc Jacobs, Calvin Klein, Lanvin, and more.

I know most of you guys are here for the superheroes, but I gotta be what I gotta be, and sometimes that means posting about mediocre high-end fashion. Right now we're in the middle of Resort/Cruise season which, as you may have noticed from the name, is an imaginary season. In the world of Game Of Thrones, seasons take years to change, meaning that the characters get years to practise the best way to portentiously say "Winter. Is. Coming." In Fashion Land, Resort/Cruise season is the time between Spring and Summer when you swan around various luxury locations while wearing £3000 sunglasses and doing things that are way, way classier than watching Game Of Thrones. The purpose of Resort/Cruise season is to sell designer clothes to these rich people so they have something new to wear on their yacht. This year's Chanel show was pretty good, but by and large the attitude of most major fashion houses to Resort/Cruise season seems to be: "Someone's gonna buy this shit, so let's just print out some bikinis and knee-length skirts and go to the bar, YOLO."
Chris Benz. (All photos from
One of the A+ things about Resort season is the hilariously lacklustre photoshoots. Even during Couture season some designers choose to exhibit using photoshoots instead of live shows, but usually that's either for aesthetic reasons or because they can't afford decent placement at Fashion Week. During Resort season, however, pretty much everyone whose name isn't Lagerfeld exhibits solely via lookbooks. And those lookbooks, as you may be able to tell from the above photo, can be kind of... dodgy. For one thing, the monochrome photo of palm trees looks like something you'd see hanging up in a coffee shop, and it's held up by bullclips. Secondly, the lighting is edging dangerously close to "we shot this in my garage". 

Burberry Prorsum
Believe it or not, the idea of a blank backdrop used to be a weird concept (you can read a bit more about that and post-war fashion photographer Irving Penn here). Sometimes it can make the models look washed out and dull, but for brands like Burberry it's fine because the clothes are mostly in neutral tones.

So, yeah, did I give you enough warning yet that there's going to be a bunch of super-bland shit in this post? Because: BEHOLD.

This gown baffles me because a) there is literally no one in the world who has the correct body shape and boob-volume to correctly fit into this and make it look good, and b) Burberry is a really commercial brand so I really... don't know what they were thinking...?? Resort season mysteries.

Just Cavalli
It's the colour of a really gross-tasting soda drink, it's partially leopard-print, and it comes with a matching lime-green Justin Bieber hat. Teenagers of America, it's your duty to wear this outfit to prom!

Zero + Maria Cornejo
Despite the ~highly imaginative~ usage of backing boards, I give this outfit a grudging B+ because it doesn't look like a half-hearted Resort season attempt at summer fun, and it hits all the things about the irritating "1920s trend" that most mainstream designers miss. Instead of being a period-drama pastiche or Baz Luhrmann ripoff, it takes the drop-waist/long-beaded-necklace details and puts them together in an outfit that looks modern and interesting without being outrageous.

Calvin Klein
This suit may look dull to the untrained eye, but by Calvin Klein standards it's a Lady Gaga stage costume. Calvin Klein hates colours and patterns and loves to design hundreds and hundreds of outfits that essentially amount to beige bedsheets. Unfortunately CK streams a lot of their catwalk shows online, meaning that I've probably wasted/spent at least half an hour of my life heckling at my laptop screen as 37 blank-faced nymphs stride along a pale grey runway in near-identical pale grey smocks. So you can probably understand why this outfit made me fall off my horse.

That being said, there was still a whole bunch of CK outfits that looked like black or white curtains and would only ever look good on Gwyneth Paltrow. But this! Is progress!

"LOL" -- direct quote from DKNY head designers after they "finished" "work" on this.  

I love this bathing suit because it just looks so ferociously uncomfortable. Nothing says "relaxing beachwear" like an angry-looking model wearing a bathing costume that looks like it may well be 100% rigid (and attempting to cut off all circulation to her vag), armed with 5-inch perspex heels and a leather shoulderbag.

I feel like I've dissed Lanvin kind of unfairly here because these three photos aren't indicative of the whole show (which was rather stylish, if not particularly remarkable to me personally), but this microwavable tinfoil suit is just the shiznit. I hope someone wears this with the black bathing costume on underneath and uses it to go to the beach on Mars.

Organic by John Patrick.
"My junk feels great in this outfit," thought the John Patrick model, too distracted to button his fucking jacket properly.

Diesel Black Gold
I like this for realsies because it's so Blade Runner.

This model's name is Hannelore Knut. So: perfect model choice, really, for a lookbook that is so uncharacteristically focused around power rather than passivity.  There's always an unfortunate quantity of crappy, sports-themed fashion during an Olympics year, but this is sports-themed fashion done well. It doesn't look like workout gear but it does look strong and practical and simple, and has a few hints of "sporty" colours without going all-out Adidas.
Hannelore Knut can totally work it, am I right? Some models couldn't carry off low-heeled boots and dresses made from wetsuit material, but this whole photoshoot was like a gallery of badassery.

Marc Jacobs
This is an unexpected departure for Marc Jacobs, who is usually far closer to the the chic, vampy end of the Ladylike scale than the floral, Frida Kahlo/Miuccia Prada end. That being said, the sheer exuberant colours of this collection sucked me in, and I found myself really enjoying how summery and weird-looking it managed to be without ending up in Zooey Deschanel hipster quirk territory.


  1. Of all your articles this one is by far the most hilarious.

  2. Huh. marc jacobs appears to have actually looked at Indian and Japanese and not gone full cloning, or obviously stapled them onto Western clothing. The man actually deserves a *prize* for originality.

  3. R U D E the John Patrick model is obviously taking style cues from Zayn Malik, who CLEARLY knows how buttons work

    That being said I am enamored with Marc Jacobs.

  4. I laughed sooo much. Thank you for this therapeutic moment.

    I do disagree on the Marc Jacobs stuff though; the second picture outfits would be okay to me if shorter, the third has potential beyond the "I stoke my big sister's dress" look, but the first one is pure OH NO QUICK KILL IT WITH FIRE territory for me.

  5. thanks! :))


  7. haha i had to put my fashion comments somewhere. I WAS CLOGGING UP TWITTER. :)

    basically the marc jacobs outfits are way more "high fashion" than the others, ie, they're more experimental and using cuts/lengths that are "unflattering" and are not, at the moment, worn by most people. i personally wouldn't wear any of them in a million years, aside from possibly the one on the right in the 2nd picture, but the first pic is v interesting to me because of the layering, even though i prefer the prints used in the other two pics.

  8. ikr. i didn't really put much analysis into anything in this post (as you can probably tell...) but i was impressed by marc jacobs this time round.

  9. Hey, I came here for the superheroes, but I stayed for your quirky comments. That being said, Organic by John Patrick gives me thoughts about a sex life of prince William and his lovely wife I really didn't want to experience.

    The outfit below it, though. WANT.

  10. That lost one is dangerously close to something a real human being might wear!

  11. I usually read this blog for the movie costume reviews and the closest I ever get to follow fashion is browsing through InStyle and similar magazines and/or playing games on when I'm bored, but you sucked me in with the "imaginary season" intro, and I whole-heartedly agree with your assessments of these outfits. It just continues to prove that I will never, ever understand high fashion because I firmly believe that clothes should fit people who aren't Gwyneth Paltrow. Keep up the good work! We need the laughter!

  12. I just found your blog and it's super-awesome! Where have you been all my (blog-reading) life? I totally loved the Marc Jacobs resort collection, the models look like two pissed-off twins. There's nothing better than a really mad floral.

  13. I love all your posts but this one made me laugh out loud the most often <3

    That last dress looks like the stick-paper-cut-clothes-on-paper-cut-doll I used to have when I was six oO I approve of bed sheets. THEY ARE STYLISH. I also approve of tinfoil. IT IS TOTALLY COMFY.

    I kind of honestly approve of Ms Hannelore (sheesh, as a German let me tell you - that name is for 60+ ladies not models and certainly no one without wrinkles, two cats and a disturbing number of weird hats)

  14. awww... that's unfair! :) i missed out most of the "normal human" outfits when posting this stuff because i find them boring. i can see normal humans wearing normal human clothes any day of the week! it's when they're on catwalks and priced at thousands of dollars per item when i find them annoying.

  15. thank you! :)) glad you're enjoying the blog!

  16. Marc Jacobs doing Dorothy Zbornak meets Mrs. Roper. Nice platforms tho.

    And I still feel that no model can pull off low heeled wetsuit material boots

    Tinfoil suit IS the shiznit.

  17. Moncler crea un conflitto importante, perché vi sarà molto difficile cercare di non usare parole che ti fanno sembrare tutto ciò che interessa è la vendita. E ancora più importante, se i vostri sensi prospettiva si stanno concentrando sulla nomina o la vendita, che sarà immediatamente sulla difensiva.